I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
