Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize