Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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