I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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