haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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