My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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