I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
