The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
