Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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