Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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