Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
soo... how was my night?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
