You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
