he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
