Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
