i love accidental penises.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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