woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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