I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
