he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
