I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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