i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
