Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
