Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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