Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize