Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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