Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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