In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
