My liver just broke up with me...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
