Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Randomize
