please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think your dad took our porno
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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