Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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