My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize