he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
