I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish you could order shots online.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
