Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
