I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize