what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
