she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
