Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
