You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
