Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
