I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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