He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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