when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
