Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
