you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
