just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
