I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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