Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
