i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
