...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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