maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
