I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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