that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
