I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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