I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
