you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
