She went from zero to smokin in five shots
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
