i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
