I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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