It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
