Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
